THOUGHTS AND REFLECTIONS OF AN OLD MAN
Post 61 - Friday March 20th, 2026
Being in the twilight years of life can be a rather difficult time for many. With old age comes the physical health grinds we didn't see coming, the mind that deserts us at times, limbs that ache and pain and we do life at a much slower and more careful pace. Sadly, our bodies no longer behave as they did, or behave as we would still like them to do,
And because we have lived so many years it means emotionally, we can also be a touch shell shocked, sadness is entrenched when we think of loved ones lost, relationships and friendships that didn't quite play out as we hoped, achievements that could have been greater, we have quite the list. Living to older age means we have accumulated life's gifts and on the flip side, life's baggage. And naturally through that we have experienced the joys and fun of life to balance the not so good.
So, as we reflect, we do so with a wisdom only our lived years can offer. Being old means we can do life different, body and mind malfunctions aside we have the lived experience to adjust our thoughts and even our personalities to fit the time of life we are now in. We simply see some things different. Eyesight fits this thought perfect, as you get older your eyesight gets worse but your ability to see through life and peoples bullshit gets better!!!
Doing life different can be a great blessing to most people, simply, we don't sweat the small stuff, we live life on our terms, and we make do, we are grateful with what we have and generally ok with what we don't have.
For me, I often say and write that I have led a privileged life. Life has treated me ok, God gave me good family, good genes, good upbringing, an abundance of intellectual smarts, stability in thinking, great people in and out of my life, yeah, generally I had it good. Gee, it has been bloody tough at times, and I mean bloody tough, but with 71 years ticked off I reckon life was mostly pretty good to me.
Hey, there are those who would say if my life were a book, it's very poorly written and the ending gives itself away, because in the end I die. But life taught me so much and really, I have been, yeah, very fortunate.
A life hack I am blessed to own is that I know God, I have a relationship with Him and from there I live life knowing He is on my side. Hey God, a bit of help at tough times would have been darn good, where were you at the crap times? But seriously my mess ups along my life journey have been by my own hand, self-inflicted, too much grog and poor choices does that, thankfully God waited patiently for me to work it out and now as I look back and smile, I know, I can see that he was always there, I just didn't always see Him. That's on me, my bad.
With my health issues and this Lewy Body Dementia problem, I guess life will just get harder. For now, I manage ok, mostly, pain is pain and really it is endemic in my life so I find it's best to do what I can to minimise the issue and accept this is the now and this is the future. Physically, health gets tougher and cognitively I slip further back, not rapidly but slowly. I see and live the changes; I manage them and as I say here on my blog posts by putting strategies in place means most times I can navigate through the awkward cognitive times.
And most LBD mishaps are funny, some I can't laugh at anymore, they are rather sad and upsetting, and some are destructive, but for the most part this journey is still pretty much a fun time and I laugh often. There are times my mind betrays me, times I am not in control, I lose the ability to be clear and composed in thought and that is becoming really scary.
My biggest cognitive issue is that I have people in my head, yeah, I know, that sounds rather critical, and I guess it is. These people are set on destruction and any advice they offer is not helpful at all, they try hard to work against me. I do my best to battle back, to navigate through these times and recover my composure to regain control for myself, but the little buggers are smart and resilient, and they are evolving. They have chameleon like abilities; they morph and try to counter my strategies by offering alternative ideas and thoughts that sound good, sound strong, but put simply they are NOT in my best interest.
This is a sign of my future, I guess. I imagine things can only slide downhill over time and the voice/people in my head will become stronger and more controlling. However, the personal strategies I implement are still a key, as long as I manage to do the structured things for the most part I get on ok despite the unsettling thoughts from the voices in my head. So far, I can generally reset my mind and take back control. Unfortunately, mostly, it just takes a while.
Sharing that detail about hearing voices here on my LBD blog was not easy, I did dwell on it for some time, I thought through the pros and cons of writing about it, but as I want my blog to accurately reflect my LBD journey then I figured I had to share. Telling the good and not so good is equally important. Sadly, now, I am guessing hearing voices adds a medical label to me that is not a positive one. But I have to take that for what it is.
Ruth is aware of the voices, she has known for some time, she is encouraging in trying to get me to understand they have no real say over me. That they have no actual power. She will ask about them, ask questions about how and when I see things, hear the voices, I am guessing that helps her understanding of what is going on in my head and in return it helps her talk to me about them. I appreciate that she offers alternative thinking and suggestions on how to try and minimize their impact. And if they are like me, they need to be scared of Ruth.
Naturally, adding to this issue of the unhelpful voices, is living on my own off grid at Lake Burrumbeet near Ballarat, this place has some special challenges. It can be tricky, but for now it has been an emotional game changer. Life is easier, mentally, to be out here. I am happy here, and, ah, go on John, say it, I dare you, just say it, ah, the SERENITY.
Being in the unit was draining, it was not a time of resting. It seems being indoors meant my cognitive problems, my negative thoughts got louder, controlling louder, meaning I just did not wish to do anything. Like a mental rumination, that's a real thing, phycology actually names it as such. The mind gets stuck and worries about past and future, time stops, time blends, motivation departs.
It's like I was living trapped in the saying about the two days a week causing all the trouble, the two days being yesterday and tomorrow. In a nutshell, I am guessing, and that's a well-educated guess, I forgot to live in the day, live in the moment, I felt squashed and trapped at the unit, I was anxious and depressed for much of the time. Too much of the time.
But here, in nature, off grid on the lake I have regained most of my self-understanding and sure, this is a tough life, really tough at times, but it is a livable life. The things that I enjoy in this time of my life journey are all here in abundance.
At the unit, mentally, I was worn down, that's what I know to be my truth, others, well they could not see this and that is understandable. It felt like being in a loop, and that was a loop I needed to step out from. It was like a saying I remember from the days of my depression, 'you don't need to feel better to go outside, you need to go outside to feel better'.
I am free from the unit walls, I made a choice and I am really totally positive, it was the right choice. Right in so many ways. It is like I made a choice for my mind and my body to feel alive again.
Here, I have found the right way to live for John Green and that is how I mentally tell myself that I kicked a goal, many goals really by heading back to live off grid. This is life done right for me. Life done my way.
It is like a healing. But not the healing from anxiety, emotional pain, trauma or depression, those things I am used to, no, it's about healing so as to understand happiness and joy and being able to really accept them back into my life.
But with the medical issues I face every single day it does get overwhelming; it gets almost impossible to navigate the health road. Sometimes the pain, well, it gets to a breaking point. Maybe death is the better option, I do think some days there has to be an end to all this discomfort and pain, death is not a bad option.
Anyhow, for all of that, do I want to die, NO. Am I fully prepared to die, YES. Although I did see an ad for burial plots the other day, but then I thought, 'that's the last thing I need'.
Death seriously does not scare me, not one bit, I value life, I take is seriously, but when my time comes, I am more than ok with that. I have dodged a few bullets to this point, and I learn from each moment. I have been able to accept life is short in the big picture, life is fragile, clearly, we can go out at any second. Now I treat each day as my last, and one day I will be right. Winner, winner chicken dinner.
With my health I know my time is limited, and I am ok with that, I have fought a good tough relentless fight and now I have made the decision to live my remaining time being at peace with me. Look, I know others have fought and do fight tooth and nail to stay in this life, to stay alive, and I admire their bravery, I really and truly admire it for them. They were so strong and so gutsy in their fight yet seeing and knowing that about others, when it comes to me, my thought is I am ok to be gone.
And before any of you have me committed, please know I don't have a death wish, but I do face death with a very calm inner peace, and I am cool to go. I guess it's easier to say when you have already had 71 years because we know so many get taken well before there time. Some never got the chance to fully experience life as us oldies do.
On the death thought, he is a fun thing. I have even narrated my own eulogy. Yep, seriously, I mean, put simply who better to tell my life story than me? Let's check the facts here. It was my life and I was there for most of it, hey, I have a few blanks, as said, alcohol does that, but mostly I remember how my time played out, and I reckon the thought of someone else delivering the John Green story is not something I could allow to happen.
Imagine all the jokes they would tell and have me look like some kind of saint, well not saint, but, er, er, well, you know, not a saint but at my funeral I would be portrayed as a special bloke. Pfffttttt, no thanks. I can picture this scenario at my funeral, half the people attending would be saying, 'He was a dick' but the other half would be saying, 'Yep'.
So, if you do attend my funeral, you hear my life story told my way, the good, the not so good, the ugly, warts, bruises, fun, stuff-ups, achievements, misadventures, sad times, not sad times, reckless, not reckless, family, kids, marriages, both of them, you hear the lot. And for the record, I will be looking out from the TV monitor telling my life story to you, my life lived and told my way to all of you. Oh, and beware, because I will be looking down at the gathered mourners, I will be able to see who came to show their respects and who didn't, so you are all on notice. BE THERE or I will name you.
And change of direction, to all my family and friends back home in SA, well done with the election on Saturday, a great outcome with the vote ... for me personally, I am a Peter Malinauskas fan, he is a great bloke, a dedicated South Aussie and to be state premier was a long-term plan. Peter passed up some great opportunities politically to stay in SA and chase the top job, and like him or not, Malie is a genuinely decent bloke. And here is a fun fact, with my death and eulogy thoughts in this post, if I were to die tomorrow, Peter Malinauskas the SA Premier would be at my funeral, go figure.
Ok, that's this post done, enjoyed putting it together, I have had fun over writing my JonnyG Remembers blog, it has been great therapy, a great way to record my LBD journey while also tapping in to my love for writing. And for the record, just on 53,600 views for the blog, so I do thank-you you all for being supportive. I really appreciate you reading.
And as I do, I will leave you with a JonnyG funny ... I once had a fear of sharks, but then I realised, I am too smart to be attacked by a shark, I mean, as soon as I hear the music, der, I would be straight out of the water ...
And Ruth, this one is for you, I know you will laugh on the inside ... we understand I always wanted a pair of possums as pets, as my off-grid mates, so I named the two possums at my camp 1 and 2 - why? - simples, because that way if 1 died I still had 2 ...
GO CATS
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OFF GRID LIVING AT LAKE BURRUMBEET IN PICS
And the scales at the unit, they tell a real great JohnnyG feel good story ... I was in at the unit Monday last week, doctor appointment day, and look at that pic above, 97.5kg, wow, how about that ... in September when I started this weight loss thingy I was 118.5kg, yeah, now 97.5kg ... hey, at the 118.5kg I was wayyyyyyyy over weight, that's a given, way way way over, but reality says I was that really heavy, now, less than 6 months, 21kg shed, that's what I'm talkin' bout ...
