CONTENTMENT COMES FROM WITHIN
Post 52 - Sunday February 23rd, 2025
Despite life pitching some curve balls my way over 70 years of life, I live today with a feeling of personal contentment. I am going ok for myself and given the tough health battles that persist these days knocking my body and mind into oblivion, I do stand strong, and I keep my journey rolling. Life is tough, physically I live with this Lewy Body Dementia and with chronic pain meaning it is a given that everyday life can be somewhat difficult to navigate. But for me, I remain personally strong.
Maybe even arrogantly strong as some seem to think. But that sits good for me because I know my limits, I know me, I know my awkward personality traits and I definitely know what drives me and makes me tick. And I know when I feel contentment.
Now, we all know that arrogance is not always a good thing, arrogance as rudeness is poor form and sadly that is how some people use it. And a pet dislike for me is when arrogance is about control or when used to bully. In that sense, arrogance is just bloody arrogant.
For that said, to have a personal arrogance as confidence in your own conviction and strengths is always a major plus. It gets you to challenge the narrative when the life narrative challengers you. Standing up for your own conviction is a good thing, a really good thing. It's like walking the talk, because to express an opinion, to have a conviction of understanding is one thing, but to then activate that opinion as reality and to back it up for real is another thing. Say what you mean but mean what you say, carry through. Standing by your own personal conviction in strength and arrogance is totally acceptable. I like that thought.
Strength is a superpower, and strength is definitely one superpower I possess. Getting hit by the curve balls can knock you about rather badly but getting back up, dusting yourself off and having a crack is a part of my superpower, I call it inner strength. Let the people and life pitch the curve balls but just watch me as I smash them away. Strength, yeah, I have plenty and I most definitely know how to use it on this tough life journey.
For all of that said, I can talk up my superpowers all I want but I also accept that depression or being depressed is ever-present in my life. Being down and feeling crushed is a curve ball that is often pitched right at me, it can hit hard, and there is no real quick fix. Pain and feeling mentally beaten is something I deal with regularly. But I do deal with it, I manage to stay afloat when it would be so much easier to just roll over,
Being positive of mind clearly helps but sometimes it seems to be impossible to stay afloat when depression hits. The Black Dog is a danger in life, when the body is really struggling with physical health issues and constant pain, the mind can quickly get to a spot of control and influence thinking to a point where it suggests the way out is achieved by ending life.
When this crisis presents as square and center in the mind, to simply stand strong and act in a positive manner is not always possible. Well, for me it's not possible. How others deal with depression at this point is their own coping mechanism, for me, if the depression gets dark and chronic it really does take you down a long, dark, deep hole.
Now inner strength becomes a key, finding that mental strength is the hard part. But once you do then things get better, maybe slowly but they do head in a better direction and clearly being positive really helps. Trying to remain positive means the mental battle is a little easier to navigate and can be worked through. I get that we are all different, we each handle things in our own personal way.
So, strength, arrogance and depression, do they all blend in life? No, far from it but working through the hard times adds a new layer of strength and then recognising your own strengths helps hit the curve balls away. Yeah, having that arrogance as a swagger is a life hack that plays out good for me. It does allow for some form of contentment.
To be positive I need that contentment and to achieve this, the arrogance I carry, as a personal superpower works good against the life curve balls.
But really, that sounds rather complicated so what is this post all about?
Well, I think I am lucky in some ways. Sure, I deal with this Lewy Body Dementia problem on a daily basis, I know the impact it has on my declining cognitive ability, and I live with the fall out of how this makes life tough. But I am still in a spot where I can, for the most part, work with the LBD rather than let it totally flatten and demoralise me. I can and do have the smarts to mark time, to work through this cognitive fog and come out the other side with my life reasonably intact so that I can function at least half normal.
I may sound a touch arrogant here when I say I am blessed with the smarts, the ability to work through impossibly tough physical and mental times, but it is something I genuinely believe.
I am not better than anyone else, I am not conceited with my thinking, but I am fortunate to be able to navigate rather effectively the cognitive decline at this point. For me, I can understand and define my challenges, that arrogance I have as a superpower stands with me, and I get to be ok. Somehow, in life I have always been able to work through my crap and compartmentalise things in such a way that I am a survivor.
So, I write all of this for me as therapy, for me to be able to read my thoughts as I pen them and for me to know I am as ok as can be. Contentment in the moment is what I have, it comes from within me, and I somehow have the smarts to know how to best use it.
Health update
Health continues to be a bummer. This blog as we know has been written as therapy for me in tracking my journey with LBD and other health issues.
As I said earlier, I know I am lucky, my LBD progression is relatively slow and for the most part I can live life ok and present a decent public face. Behind the scenes things are always different, the awkward cognitive miss-hits are there for me to live with and to see every single day, sometimes that is really tough. It is no fun at all, I am struggling with my loss of cognitive abilities in areas of life that I took for granted never believing that in this season of time they would totally desert me. It scares me with what I am becoming. Yeah, awkward at best.
I have an Occupational Therapist who links me with My Age Care and together they have been able to convince me that help is needed. One area of help is my tracker watch, mmmmmm, I know, who would have thought? But I guess I need to be flexible in thought and if there are medical contraptions that can help my journey, then I need to embrace that.
The tracker watch is a monitor, it picks up on falls, knows when I get lost, when I'm wandering off, it has phone numbers built in that call designated people if I have a senior moment. It also acts as a phone so I can call out if in trouble and others can phone me. It is voice activated, well it talks to me, tells me when I mess up.
On a plus side it has a couple of fun modes, like step counter, heart rate monitor etc so until the novelty wears off I can have some fun. To this point I cannot find the setting that gives me the Quaddie numbers, but I will keep searching. Maybe even get the Lotto numbers.
The talking out loud and sharing conversations with myself is not something I like. It is embarrassing and I battle with the issue. Sadly, I am not aware I am having the John-on-John chats and there is the problem, it is causing some confusion to people around me and for that I am mortified. Not sure how that part plays out.
Falls are ongoing, I have lost count of my stumbles and tumbles, some hurt more than others, thankfully no broken bones but lots of skin damage and bruising. I am mostly aware of the fall issues so the strategies in place do help, I can and have eliminated some falls risk areas and that has saved me going over many times. Falls are now just something to live with.
My cancer issues look to be stabalising. The last set of scans were encouraging and things like my iron levels are sitting ok. Blood indicators are all within accepted range levels so maybe I can have some better health times in that area. The pee bag will always be a downer, what a BS idea, it is the pits, 454 days living with this attachment and it never gets easier. It is a constant reminder of what I have lost, of what used to be. Ok, I still get to go on with life, yeah that's a positive but even that thought is difficult to accept at times.
Fatigue and lack of energy continue to be a downer. My motivation is still intact, but lack of energy prevents me from doing things I have always enjoyed. The fatigue means I rest a lot, somedays I have a number of naps, other days maybe just one or two. Sleep is not going so well at the minute, I find it hard to get a good night's rest, just a few months back I was going well and getting lots of good restful nights. Not sure why that has changed.
Summer and the hotter weather have not helped my fluid levels around my heart issues. The fluid buildup is notably more intense on the hot days, the fatigue I spoke about is also much more noticeable on those days. I am struggling with the hot weather; I find it very hard to battle how poorly it makes me feel. It has become obvious that the last two years in particular I am not doing the summer days at all well.
And on that note this post will come to an end. Thanks for reading, because as always, I appreciate the support you all show, close on 36,750 hits on my JohnnyG Remembers blog and I find that amazing, so again, thank-you so much ... and if you wish to check-out some more Team Green news just scroll on down at the bottom of the post ...
But, I will leave you with a JohnnyG funny ... I'm not a massive baseball fan but I've worked out why the pitcher raises one leg when he pitches the ball, and it's simple really, because if he raised both legs he would fall over ...
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Sadly, at the end of January we lost a very good Barmera mate, Steve Buderick ... Shakey moved to Barmera from Naracoorte and quickly settled in as a local, he was a footy star amongst other things and he played in the 1984, 85, 86 and 87 premierships sides for Barmera Monash ... he was a gun on the field, a team player, great defensive skills and knew how to find the ball, he left some great memories for all of us with his footy smarts ... I think we all enjoyed some long nights in his company at the footy club, the boy certainly liked a drink and he had plenty of mates ready to down a few froffies with him ... for me personally, working with Shakie was a highlight and we had some rather in-depth conversations over a beer or ten at my Vasey Street home sorting out the problems of the world and dissecting the week in footy ... Shakie married a local girl Lisa Klingbiel and they eventually moved to Katherine in the NT and raised a family ... Steve had cancer and spent his last days in hospital, he was laid to rest in Darwin on January 31st 2025 ... Steve Budarick, you were a bloody good footballer, you were a great bloke and a great friend ...
Wendouree Lodge in Ballarat
