NEXT LEVEL COGNITIVE CONFUSION
Post 51 - Saturday December 28th, 2024
In my own personal battle with LBD, what happens from the inside is not what others see looking in from the outside. That can be frustrating, I try hard to act and behave normal and that does, I guess, give an indication on the outside that I am doing well. But I have lost my way big time in some areas of my mind, it really impacts my thinking to such a point that it gets rather depressing. And naturally not everyone can or does see that, how could they while I can still hide things and appear normal?
The changes for me are sad and catastrophic, I really don't cope well with that. Thankfully some changes are small, and some changes have taken time to come to pass. LBD is a slow form of cognitive decline and across my time changes have generally been gradual allowing me to still get about and live life. But the changes do happen.
Getting lost in my own mind is my kryptonite at the minute. I simply go completely blank; I have no idea what is going down when in this mode. I have been in a holding pattern for some time in this area, it has been annoying but mostly manageable, now though it is getting to be troublesome.
Sometimes I am thinking my blank moments are crowd related, I am not enjoying being around mobs of people, struggling with the noise and movement, it somehow messes with my cognitive attention antenna, and I get lost. Lost in thought but awkwardly physically lost, I don't know what to do when I get really stressed and the confusion is, well dare I say, confusing.
On a recent visit to Woolies in Ararat I had a real downer, I was picking up some goods from the bread section in the shop and I had a total blank. I was lost, I did not know where I was or what I was doing, I had zero idea what was going down. I cried, the tears just came, I felt so isolated, thankfully nobody came to my rescue, I definitely don't wish to make anyone feel uncomfortable around me.
But I guess I must have looked an odd sight, a 70-year-old bloke just standing in the aisle with the tears flowing. My take is that I was like a shell of a person. Other shoppers in the store would be aware that older people in particular can become lost both physically and mentally so they would be mindful I'm sure that something awkward was going down.
Thankfully Ruth sensed I was missing, and she found me. Ruth just stood close and talked me through the moment, and I was able to get back on track without any further issue. But this type of happening is a real downer, it totally destroys confidence.
Also, of concern to me as this journey rolls on are that this getting lost scenario has also happened a couple of times in one-on-one chats. In this zone I am very sadly not aware of what I am saying or doing. I am not me at such times, somehow, I am not the person I have always been when this happens. That is really hard to get my head around.
Yep, that really hits hard, and again I have no idea what I am doing. This is sadly troubling; I do come out the other side ok but knowing I have been blank and lost in conversation both scares and troubles me. It has really dented my personal confidence. It means I am steering away from people and conversation. It is safer that way, I don't get to look stupid when I have these blank times.
Having been a social type of bloke who really enjoys meeting and interacting with people has given me a lifelong ability to be a chatter box. Mum once told me I could talk with a mouthful of marbles underwater. So, yeah talking has been my thing, sharing stories is important to me as a person, hearing others tell their story is something I have immensely enjoyed. That is now a problem with this cognitive jumble that presents for me when I have these lost moments.
General health update
This past year has been awkward with pain from my cancer surgery and the battle with this cognitive miss match. Being off grid at Camp Recluse has helped no end with getting me into as calm a spot as possible but still the battle has been a constant in day-to-day life. Pain is pain and it really does become debilitating. Somedays it can even become overbearing.
The heart attacks in November 2018 changed all that, from that time onwards pills have become a staple in my daily diet.
Medical folk bother me no end, at times they simply throw pills at you for every illness, ache and tweak, I am sure we could all be very much less medicated. Why not fix a medical issue rather than just prolong the problem with medication.
Maybe there is a case for medication being a key in a health battle but sometimes the only one to benefit out of medication is the drug companies and the quacks who over prescribe. Their bottom line gets a massive boost through prescription medication. Check out any chemist shop on any day of any week, it's patient overload.
So, why do I take so many darn pills each and every day, my total daily intake is 14 pills across any given 24-hour period. And at times there can be a few extras thrown in to fix a particular health glitch. Oh my, just not sure why, is that really helping me or not?
Anyhow, moving on, the summer heat is not easy for me to navigate anymore, it messes with my heart issue, fatigue is common and knocks the stuffing out of me. And the fluid buildup and retention is a real issue. The fluid from my heart failure condition means my heart simply cannot move the fluid around. My leg, ankle and foot swell mainly on my left side and that is trouble. Wee tablets twice a day do help, sometimes more than others but over time I have learned that rest looks to be the best cure.
Following my cancer surgery to remove lymph nodes along with my bladder, prostate, urethra and appendix means I also have a fluid build-up so that adds to general pain and discomfort. My left groin, thigh and back really take the brunt of fluid overload and that makes walking, sleeping, standing and being comfortable rather hard at times. It is not nice.
The pain I deal with physically is exacerbated by my cognitive thought process. I believe it has really dented my ability to absorb pain and to deal with the consequences that pain presents.
My pee bag that replaces my bladder just keeps on giving, not in a good way because gee, it is the pits. After 397 days it continues to suck, there is nothing positive about it. It is annoying, the associated stoma hernia is both painful and awkward and having to connect to a night bag to try and sleep just makes things totally awkward. The pee bag was such a game changer, I really hate the thing, having to pee out of a hole in my tummy, not good.
Falls are still an issue, I have had a couple of doozies this past couple of months and with the resulting skin off my limbs and added sore spots means the falls are just a darn nuisance.
Look, maybe there is some merit in this idea, on the surface it looks like a safe and proactive measure, but gee, I would feel a touch intimidated to be tracked everywhere I go, I mean, think that through.
My solution to short circuit this idea is to go ahead and get the tracking device but then head out into the back paddock and attach it to one of the many rabbits we have around the lake and then let the people tracking me go figure what the heck is going on. I mean, they would be watching my location on a monitor when all of a sudden BOOM, he's off, there he goes, gee look at him run, wow, he is like a startled gazelle, bounding along out bush and he just keeps on running, bit like the energizer bunny.
That would be funny, very funny. And for the record, I reckon it can be arranged. Mmmmmm.
Doctor Chris our local Ararat Medical Centre GP had a look at it and took a biopsy that removed quiet a big chunk of flesh, that procedure was done under a local anesthetic through a couple of needles. My face was rather tender and sore as a result.
The biopsy result was positive, but the growth needed to be taken off, Doctor Chris did that as an outpatient procedure at his medical center. It was somewhat painful and an infection the next day or so meant I had a very sore and tender face for a week or two. The sore did weep and sleeping on that side of my face was off the cards for some time and the infection did add to my constant headaches.
But it's all good, nothing long term other than to monitor that it stays away.
Now, as always, I thank you for reading my JonnyG Remembers blog, this type of in-depth reading is not for everyone, so I really understand that my long and awkward blog posts are not always the popular reading pastime.
For that said, I have not posted in a while. Life has been medically awkward at times so writing has been hard, my motivation has eluded me meaning I procrastinate with thought and struggle to concentrate enough to get into writing mode of any description.
However, the plus side to being indoors is that my mind has freed up somewhat, I am a bit clearer in thought with less going around me. My ability to find some writing smarts has meant I can get back to the keyboard and work on this post, work on getting my thoughts out and added to my life story.
That has cheered me no end. It has helped me relax. Look, I love the solitude of being off-grid and generally I am totally loving the outdoor life but these past few weeks I have been battling to get my writing mind open. I guess all of the cognitive congestion has clouded my thinking and sometimes it is just easier to be still of mind and not try to get some thoughts together to get on with my writing. That is annoying but that is what is happening, I definitely am troubled being clogged in thought and not being able to write.
Because I miss my writing, it has always been a love of mine and I get enjoyment from telling my stories. And with this blog it has always been great personal therapy as I record my journey with this LBD issue. Getting my thoughts into print is an important step for me, always has been but even more so now with these cognitive issues.
Well, time to go. Happy New Year to everyone, I trust the festive season has been good and kind to you, and now as we head into a new year make the most of your time ahead. My JonnyG funny to close the blog returns today, enjoy and thanks again for reading to this point.
I think Ruth might be also having some cognitive issues, maybe she is getting in on the dementia act because three times this past week she has told me she can't remember what she ever saw in me ...
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A catch-up on Camp Recluse activity in story and pics
