TO FORGET OR NOT TO FORGET

Post 49 - Saturday August 31st 2024

Sometimes I think I was born to live life on the edge. Maybe I was simply born unlucky. Either way is fine but gee, it does seem that I am a magnet for life's dramatic moments. Or perhaps I am just reckless and that encourages moments of mayhem to be ever present. Whatever the answer may be, life can be a tough gig, a bloody tough gig.

PTSD is not something I gave validity to for much of my life. Well, I did accept that it could impact others but with my super intelligent and strong-willed mind I did not ever allow myself to think it could be sitting there and messing with my very being. Things happened across the years, often traumatic things but in my own deluded mind, it seems, I always thought I coped. It never occurred to me that singularly or collectively these events were taking a toll.

Now, yeah, finally I have reasoned that I had that wrong. PTSD is real, and PTSD is real for me. Coping, or what I though was me coping was never real; it was a cop out and collectively the times I 'coped' I simply glossed over the real issue and from that, I never dealt with anything on a meaningful level. I never took the time to look deeply at what had gone down meaning nothing, and I mean nothing was ever actually psychology resolved.

Maybe that was ignorance, maybe not. Maybe it was not wishing to show weakness, maybe both of these thoughts but in my defense, I mean, could I, should I have known better? Not sure, what I do know is that this collection of life events, the trauma and awkward happenings have impacted in a negative manner. A really huge negative manner.

In some ways it has sort of snuck up on me. Sure, it has been suggested for some time that I do suffer with PTSD, well certainly aspects of the disorder, the signs were and are clearly there. For me, living on the inside, yeah, I may have been able to see what others did and probably I understood what was really going down, but maybe bravado Jonny was either not wanting to or not able to fully gain an understanding of how darn serious this actually was.

You know, my mental attitude along the way was that I can cope, I can deal with things. Or maybe there was also an element of not wishing to be seen as being different. Because things did happen, that is a given, but for me, by not allowing any one trauma or a collection of traumatic events be seen as a psychological issue then I was able to be in control for me.

When I was 18 a tragic accident that I was involved in left two young lads dead. That was the most horrible day, Sunday November 11th, 1973, at Paruna in the Mallee of South Australia the two brothers aged 18 and 11 were killed. The moments after the crash, sitting and waiting with them for an ambulance to arrive were horrible, it had all happened in the blink of an eye and now I was left to try and pick up the pieces and get on with life. Look, I did not cope well, I know that, but I moved on, somehow, I moved on.

The two lads who were killed that day never had the chances I had, they were gone. For me, as life ticked over, I never ever really got past that day, I never got past knowing those kids died in the accident, a family was shattered, and life was lost. I had unfortunately been part of a horrible accident, and it was to say the least, traumatic. This day never leaves me. 

From that point in my life the trauma just kept coming, as a driver I rolled two cars, smashed up another, ran over a kid who run out in front of me and all by the time I was 23. Thankfully I always came through ok, injured but physically ok. Mentally, not sure. There were some injuries to others and this no doubt added to my mental trauma. The car roll overs and accident were silly of course, totally my fault and I had messed up. But right or wrong the mental trauma was mounting.

When I moved to Western Australia in 1979, I had a bike accident that left me battered and bruised, again my fault but that was a tough night, and tough times followed. Look, things have happened since, I found a good friend hanging in a tree after he had phoned me at work to come visit his horse stables in Darwin. I was busy with my journalist job at the NT News and could not just go when he called, when I did get away, yeah, it was confronting. A lot of what ifs and soul searching.

Late one evening I had a gun shoved in my face by a gang of Asian youths in an armed robbery. No fun and once the gang members were caught the drama kept on through the Police and court system, it just never went away it seems. One night on the streets in Adelaide a horrible personal attack and incident left me hanging mentally by a thread, that incident alone was enough to do me in. And I tried that, but I failed and spent 28 days on a hospital ward in a controlled psychiatric recovery. The years that followed this incident had me living in a state of heightened tension. I never really got over that night.

A home invasion when I moved to Morphett Vale was BS, I was targeted, wrongly and had the crap kicked out of me. The following months were tough as I healed, again Police involvement, being a part of the court proceedings that dragged out for over two years as the perpetrator was moved through the justice system just added so much angst and trauma.

And losing my boys Mitchell and Jake from my life 10 years ago was just beyond words, devastating and heartbreaking on all levels. Not sure how to make any sense of that or what to do with the loss emotionally. Also, my Mum passed in 2012, my Dad died in 2019 and then my sister Veronica was gone a year later. Losing loved ones is a part of life and that happens to all families, for me, maybe each family death just added to my collective trauma. 

I suffered two major heart attacks in November 2018 and a cardiac arrest had me surviving in the ICU at Flinders Medical Centre on a ventilator. My heart issues have never really resolved, and I am still being treated medically to this day.

Cancer has been an issue, I first had a bladder cancer tumor removed in 1998 and over the next 25 years the tumor returned and was removed three more times before a new cancerous growth was discovered last year that resulted in an 8-hour surgery to remove my bladder, prostate, urethra, appendix and numerous lymph nodes. That is my manhood gone, bang, gone. The result from that surgery in November has been darn awkward, the manhood thing and now I now have a pee bag attached to my tummy and the pain in affected parts of the body is chronic. Fluid is a problem both from lymph nodes removal and from ongoing heart failure. 

Since that first cancer incident in 1998 hospital stays have numbered so many. Invasive surgery and invasive internal tests and treatments have messed heavily with my mental state, sometimes I literally don't know how I have survived all the medical intrusions on my body. My left eye had a growth in the early 2000's that had me receive treatment every week at the Royal Adelaide Hospital for over a year, three surgeries to remove the growth that kept growing back and to add to my growing list of medical issues, prostate problems with eventually three rounds of radiation treatment to fix things. Again, horrible trauma to my body and my mind, physically this took a toll and mentally it was horrific.

In November 2001, I had surgery known as a Fundoplication at the RAH. A part of my stomach was cut and wrapped around my esophagus to prevent acid reflux, the op is not uncommon and fixes the issue in most people. It comes with side effects; certain foods were now off the menu and simple things like burping were not possible. Things that could go down but couldn't come back out through the new formed opening in my esophagus. Across the years it has been annoying at times but easy enough to live with. The original surgery was keyhole and after a dozen years I did develop an umbilical hernia from one of the keyhole cuts and then eventually in January 2023 I required further surgery to fix things. That has now happened twice. So again, more trauma to my body and mentally it drained my tolerance even more.

And on a life note, I have been married twice and divorced twice, gee, imagine that, just for a minute, what trauma. I have the Umpire Vernon drama from 1997 at Footy Park to deal with and I had to watch the Cats lose five Grand Finals as a supporter before finally getting that 2007 premiership flag. Tough times in footy.

Trauma at every turn it seems so now I have called time on medical intervention and from here on in I will allow things to play out as they will. No more surgery unless its pain relief based. My body has had enough, collectively I cannot endure any more intrusions.

With all these rather traumatic happenings and life blimps I guess it's correct to say I am somewhat mentally troubled. Is that PTSD? Yeah, I reckon and by my own recognition I do have to acknowledge I fit the bill. Personality also plays a part in prolonging this trauma. I am an inward anxious person by nature and then with my Aspergers traits I allow my mind to be damaged over and over mentally leaving me in despair at times.

My life balance of the good things versus the trauma and mental damage has kept me afloat. I do see the good in things, I do know I have had a privileged life that has enabled me to achieve so much positive input. I mean, how lucky has the good in my life been.

At its height, as example I was invited to lunch with Prime Minister Bob Hawke in the members at the Fannie Bay racetrack in Darwin back in the day when I worked with the NT News as Assistant Racing Editor. Whoopy do in the big life picture but yes, I have been to the top so again I say I am privileged with so many positive life events. And Bob was always a hero to me.

But, yeah I know, there is always a but, so because I have allowed the positive happenings to be dominant this means I never addressed the trauma and mental undoing preferring, by personality, to ride with the good and to bury the not so good. Classic PTSD I guess, the individual and collective traumatic happenings over my life have mounted up and eventually just had to go bang. Mentally I was cooked. Something had to give and once the PTSD bubbled over then I was in deep trouble with my mind.

Triggers for emotional and mental trauma are ever present. Just this past week Ruth and I were travelling on a back dirt road in Ararat and we came across a car accident that was just moments old. A driver had lost control of his 4WD, rolled a couple of times and skidded upside down into a large gum tree off the edge of the road. What a mess, we were able to get to the driver, a young male and assist as he was trapped, upside down, bleeding and in shock. He was conscious so could communicate but was totally trapped in the crushed car. I stayed with the lad helping as best I could through the driver's window, Ruth helped and assisted by giving details to the 000 operator as ambulance, police and fire and rescue were dispatched. 

It took about 15 minutes for help to arrive and once the paramedics were on the scene we were able to leave the trapped driver to them. Things were a mess; the car was crushed; we were later told it took over two hours to free the injured driver and he was airlifted by chopper to the Bendigo Hospital. With how he had hit the gum tree we figured that just one foot to the left on impact and this accident was a fatality.

For me, yeah, awkward, I had blood from the lad on me and on my clothing and once the adrenaline stopped then bummer, I had a tough time. Mentally I was messed up, things hit me, and this is where my PTSD really comes back to kick the crap out of me. A lifetime littered with trauma just does not go away.

So, the point of this post, Lewy Body Dementia and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, how does this all connect? Or does it not connect in any way? For me, I do have LBD, and it seems PTSD, but I have never really considered the two may be linked. But in recent weeks I have been reading lots on clinical studies that search through the possibilities looking for common links. It has made for very interesting reading, and it has opened my mind to the possibility the two may be connected.

PTSD is classed medically as an anxiety disorder, but an anxiety that is triggered by a specific life event, experience or a series of experiences. It is defined as a mental condition. I reckon that about sums things up. Naturally that life event trigger has many variations and can be different in different people. 

Apparently, from what I read the brain can change with trauma. Now, naturally I have no idea if it does or not but assuming the so-called clinical studies are real and accurate then it does seem a possibility.

If the brain changes, then it would be easy to see how ongoing trauma could and does impact cognitive thinking that may then lead to dementia in some form. For me, I don't personally need to see a link but I do think for most medical diagnosis I like to have an understanding of why.

Writing this blog to follow my LBD journey has helped in many ways by giving me an outlet to record my own personal experiences. As I say on other blog posts, my love of writing helps keep me mentally in tune and is always great therapy. So, while I like to understand what is going down with me medically, I have never wanted to get too involved in the science behind my illness. 

Bit the same with PTSD, I accept that it is not mind over matter, I accept it to be real and now I accept that given my life trauma timeline then it's no wonder I am mentally flushed.

Has the mental and physical trauma over a lengthy period of time affected my cognitive thinking, has it added to my decline, is it the reason for my LBD? Yeah, again I have to say I'm not sure. What do the medical folk think, well, I don't care on this point as my faith in the medical profession is naught so I would never pay heed nor trust what they may or may not conclude. They get so much wrong.

So now as I approach my 70th year it is a sad reality that my Lewy Body Dementia has already taken some of my life skills and abilities and trashed them leaving me in a rather vulnerable place. This journey with LBD has not been easy, it is sad and the end result is catastrophic. Along the way there has been so many fun times despite the fact this dementia gets a foot hold. I've had many reflective times both good and crap, but I know I have really tried to take it in my stride and roll with the punches,

Finally, there it is, that's all for this post, thank-you to everyone who reads my blog, I do appreciate. My LBD journey is being recorded with my JonnyG Remembers blog and I love adding additional posts to tell my story as my journey continues. Stay tuned.

And as usual I will leave you with a JonnyG funny ...

With my bladder surgery taking away my manhood I thought I would sue the doctors for erectile dysfunction - but my lawyer advised me I would not succeed with the complaint because it would not stand up in court ...

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HAPPY FATHERS DAY