CONFUSION CAN BE REALLY CONFUSING

Post 23 - June 25th 2023

Age is just a number, apparently. Because it is a common thought in society that regardless of your age you can actually make life whatever you want it to be. Well, sure, with that thought in mind then age is just a number and yes for many it means life rolls along and even as you get older, we can still very much enjoy all the pleasures it has to offer. And that is a great way to be.

But for others, not so. That old age truck comes out of nowhere and absolutely flattens you. Life can change quickly; things suddenly get tough, really tough. And now at this point, age is not just a number.

For me, I reckon I have had the chance to experience both of these understandings. Life was good, it strolled along, things just moved forward and each day rolled into the next. For that to have happen in my life it means I am blessed to have been so fortunate.

However now, as things slow down, and I face an awkward future then times can be tough, really tough. 

With my Lewy Body Dementia it means life has changed. I still have pleasure in life, yet at times it can be much harder to experience those pleasures as you see things deteriorate in front of your very own eyes.

It happens that I am in some form of cognitive decline. Sure, I can take that on the chin, no biggie really. Life is not over yet, and I will make the most of my time even with the understanding that this ultimately ends badly.

However, it is hard to ignore the cognitive change and with that sadly confusion is starting to be a bother.

The confusion can and does happen at any time and does not seem to have an exact trigger. Even some well learned strategies around my LBD now don't seem to work with this issue.

This confusion is unsettling. I am at these times just a shadow of my former self. That is not such a good place to be. I can feel like a real dick with the confusion, I know I must look silly because I sure feel silly.

This is not about pity. It is about me losing the cognitive ability to make sense of a given moment in my confused state of mind.

And I know that at these times then I definitely cannot make life what I want it to be.

But this is not just an age issue. Sure, I am older and with that comes some natural decline, but things have moved way past that with me. In this confused state I am simply blank, I lose time in my mind and then it looks like time has stood still. Only it hasn't.

Once it dawns on me what just happened then I can get my thinking into a spot that allows me to quickly go over what that blank moment was about, to try and gain an understanding of what I just did.

When I get back into the present with my thoughts, I then try to make sense of what just went down but unfortunately it is not really possible.

So yes, I feel like a dill and get rather rattled knowing that in my mind I just lost time. To be honest I don't know what to do when this happens. 

Perhaps all I can try to do here I guess is to somehow get myself to let go of trying to find the answer to what happened and let the confusion have a place. Whatever that might entail.

The problem with that for me is that these states of confusion seem to be getting longer and do seem to be happening more often. It is getting to be scary.

Look, the confusion is very sad from my end. Externally I do try to make light of it and see the funny side but inwardly I am really feeling stupid. The emotional impact it has is awkward.

On a positive note, I do at least still have the knowledge to know it is happening, from that I can control the fall out when I feel stupid at that time. Or so I tell myself.

At home when it is just Ruth and I, it is manageable but if out and about, I am not so sure. 

But whatever goes down, the confusion is crap.

Yeah, this LBD journey is throwing up some testing challenges. The confusion is just one.

But I am really glad that my memory is still very much intact, and I am so grateful for that. I can recall and remember whatever it is that I wish. It seems my long-term memory in particular is fine.

Short term, yeah, I am having some blanks like this confusion issue and while it is annoying it is thankfully, as said, not something that happens all the time. Bit of a numbers game, like the age thing maybe.

That's all I can write for this post. So, thanks for checking in. Appreciate that. Go Cats.

But I have enough left in me just now to add a JonnyG funny ...

The definition of confusion: Where do they get the seeds to plant seedless watermelons?