PAIN IS A REAL PAIN WITH NO MAGICAL FIX

Post 29 - September 13th 2023

Pain is different things to different people. Some handle the discomfort easily; some cannot handle pain in any form, and it can be really debilitating.

For me, as written in other blog posts I am blessed with a great pain tolerance, I generally work through any pain discomfort and come out the other side in good nick. Pain doesn't normally slow me down, sure it can and has created a bump in my life journey at times but normally I work through easily, get on with things.

And that still applies for the most part. Even as I progress with this Lewy Body Dementia journey, I seem to be able to work my way around the discomforts.

Or at least, I did manage to move ahead ok. Now though, I am struggling.

Because at the minute it seems, I am living with pain that is constant. My body is dealing with a number of issues beyond the LBD, and I am both sore and in pain. And that is really testing my pain tolerance. Where is that magic pain tolerance wand when you need it?

An ongoing reflux problem over the past 25-years means I often have awkward chest and right shoulder pain. Nothing serious, just annoying and as it has been around a long time. It is there but always very manageable.

My bladder surgery from mid-June when I had another tumor removed has left me with a nagging pain in the area that will not ease up. It just keeps on hurting. And the bladder surgery also messed with my ability to urinate properly, so I have pain when doing a pee. Over the weeks it has become chronic, and being an old man with fluid issues means I have to piddle a lot. So, the pain is there for the most part. Friggin' awkward.

Now my GP suggests I have some form of osteoarthritis that is causing a dull ache in my wrists and in my finger joints. And the fluid I carry in my body following my heart attacks in 2018 definitely does not help. The swelling in my wrists and fingers adds to the discomfort and that makes it difficult at times to function. They can be so darn sore and swollen and tender.

But I'm not finished yet. Since waking up last Thursday morning I have gout in my right foot, and this latest bout of pain just adds to what is already a rather sore body. I am struggling to get around, walking is rather difficult, there is just no getting away from the discomfort.

Now this pain in my foot and toe from the gout is really messing with my head. I am struggling to work through it, my normal good pain tolerance has deserted me. My concentration is challenged, I am easily distracted, it is hard to grasp reality with the confusion that I am experiencing. Meaning, I am doing rather poorly in the memory department.

It is like I have no relief from pain, each of the affected areas in my body is physically crippling. And mentally, as said, I am easily confused, and my memory is playing tricks.

An example is having a shower this morning.

When Ruth and I returned from our day down South, I asked if I needed a shower, but Ruth informed me I had already showered before heading out this morning. Now sadly, I have no recollection at all of having been through the shower.

Ruth will make sure I understand at times like this that she is not fudging the circumstances, yeah, I know she is telling me what really happened and that is fine. I know she is right.

But with having no memory whatsoever of the shower then I get rather rattled, and it can be a tearful time. So, I accept that I did shower but with no memory of having done so, then yeah, I feel stupid and that is definitely messing with me. It bothers me. I cannot believe I cannot remember such a simple thing. No matter how hard I try, I have nothing from this morning.

Then into the evening I made a sandwich, topped up my coffee, sat at my computer yet now I have no memory at all of eating the sanga'. But it is gone so I must have had it. When I asked Ruth what happened to my food, she talked me through what was logical and again, I accept that I must have eaten the darn thing.

Seriously though, why can I not remember these simple things, surely, I would know if I just ate a bloody sandwich, just like the shower this morning, how the dickens could I forget? But it seems I have. It frustrates the crap out of me, is really just very silly.

I mean, I had to make the sandwich, it takes time to make a perfect sandwich, and then to not remember that you have actually eaten it, mmmmmm, seriously. All I had left was this empty plate and no recollection of having eaten the darn sandwich. Disappointing.

There are other things I've done that I simply forget completely all about, but for my own sanity I will leave all the details around them out from this post for today. Because maybe Ruth doesn't know about them, yet. Well, that is until she reads this. Dibber dobber John.

Now, back to the pain. Ruth will rationalise for me that the pain I have at this time is messing with my LBD and my head is 'off someplace' as it deals with the body discomfort. So, yeah, the pain gets in my way to think straight meaning that I have many of these simple yet very awkward memory lapses. My pain tolerance is at zero when I use all my energy physically and mentally to deal with what is happening with my body.

I am at a loss, as hard as I try to recall what I have done I simply cannot make sense of my actions. Then I get mad with myself because my memory failed me, once it hits home that I have messed up then I get sad and wonder what the dickens I have become. 

I know deep down that I don't need to feel silly; it is just me who is affected by this memory blank, I am causing no damage at all by having these personal moments. Nobody gets hurt by my silly crap.

But gee, it really is getting to me. I am feeling deflated with the memory loss, seriously it is BS.

With the sandwich, in my mind it is like the thing magically disappeared, even though I ate it. With the shower, same I guess, it is like my memory of that time also disappeared despite all that happens around having a shower.

Poof, magic, no recollection. Yeah, even trying to see the funny side of this is rather darn difficult. 

How many magicians does it take to do magic? Well, I guess just one will do the trick.

See, even that joke falls flat.

I watched a magician walking down the street, he was very good, I saw him turn into a supermarket. Mmmmmm, I guess that is funny in a dad joke way but right now, with my psyche I am missing the fun of life in the LBD journey.

So, what happens with all the pain and discomfort going forward?

Monday is surgery day at Flinders. I have another bladder procedure to allow the Urology Team to go back in so as to take a further sample of the bladder wall near where the tumor was growing. I am now told the removed tumor was close to the bladder opening and that could be the cause of my pee problem. Hoping that Monday can fix that issue.

And guessing that depending on the biopsy results, that will determine what, if anything, needs to happen next. I just hope it fixes this relentless bladder pain.

Monday will be a long day, hoping to be sent home later in the afternoon but just in case I am informed by the Flinders nurse that I am booked for a 1 or 2 night stay. Whatever the outcome I do hope it alleviates most of this awkward pain.

If my surgeon at Flinders on Monday is named Harry, then I hope he is not a 'Muggle' because he will need to use his magic.

Well, there it is, another post completed for my LBD blog. Over 14,000 check-ins to this point, wow, thanks to everyone who has a read looking at how my journey unfolds.

Footy, well it's not back now until March next year, Go Cats. And I am asking for a friend, when will the Power get presented with the 2023 July Premiership flag?

And with this being a time when I am struggling to see anything funny, maybe this JonnyG thought will give you a laugh ...

What do you call a magician who has lost his magic? ... Ian 

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This little mess up did make me laugh, and cry ... Ruth had picked up some fresh rolls from the shops yesterday along with a cooked chook and some salad including a nice crisp lettuce ... we both enjoy the rolls with chicken and salad ... so today I make a roll with what was leftover, cut the roll, bit of butter, I asked Ruth was there some lettuce left, yep, so I cut it thin how I like it, fill the roll carefully making it to my liking, add some mayo and go off to eat ... I get part way through and was thinking, this is not right, anyhow I had made a lettuce roll, no other filling, I forgot the chicken, cheese, tomato and cucumber ... look, no biggie' but gee, not sure where my head was but I am not a fan of lettuce rolls, what was I thinking? ... oh my, anyhow Ruth saved the day, she took what was left of the roll and added the missing ingredients, ah, yummy roll, NOW ...