DEPRESSION REALLY IS A BLACK DOG

Post 39 - February 17th 2024

This Lewy Body Dementia journey has been a ride of epic proportions. Most of the time things are ok even allowing for my cognitive decline, yeah, sometimes things get awkward as I see myself slipping and notice the dementia traits taking hold. But really, it has been manageable.

As new cognitive issues present, at least now I can recognise what they are and with the passing of time and learning about LBD then nothing hits you for six. In the early days it did, it was scary at times as I noticed the cognitive intrusions in my mind and without having an understanding of what was happening, that was rather testing and awkward.

In a number of my posts, I write about strategies that I have developed across the journey to help in the tough times, to help when I go off the rails and the dementia takes a new path. In times like that those very strategies are so very important in helping navigate around some cognitive problems that left unchecked, would become rather major issues.

So, the LBD journey rolls on. It will not end well, that is understood, but for now that ending looks to be some time away. It is important for me, for now, to be accepting of my issues cognitively and work with them, not against them.

My recent cancer surgery has impacted dramatically. I had an eight-hour operation at Flinders Medical Centre to remove my bladder, prostate, urethra, appendix and numerous lymph nodes. I am told the cancer is now under control, I was offered but did not accept chemo and at this point, I will take my chances on what happens next, Maybe the cancer is contained, maybe not.

But it has been 82 days since the cancer surgery and really, it has been mega tough. Constant pain is a scourge, the discomfort is annoying and this darn pee-bag I am left with is just the pits. Knowing that this is for life is really difficult to accept, the pee-bag is just downright crap. 

And a number of post-op complications like my bowel blockages, my excess fluid buildup from the lymph node removal and my swollen and tender man parts just add to the pain and get really annoying.

So, with the fallout from surgery then trying to work around this pain does impact the cognitive issue. I need all my energy and strength to cope with pain and discomfort and the flip of that is I do drop the ball with the cognitive strategies and that results in some dementia problems. It can be difficult to accept.

And for me, sadly, the byproduct of the LBD and surgery complications with all this pain is depression. The Black Dog. It is becoming invasive, and I know I am on a downward slide.

Sadly, I have been here before and I know this is a dark and horrible place that really does suck the life out of you.

It is a struggle. I know I am withdrawing and becoming somewhat reclusive. That can be ok, I have always valued my own company and while I love to be social in in the right setting, I do go ok just being on my own. But this is different, I see the signs of depression and I am facing the mother of all battles to not let it get a grip.

My Aspergers type personality traits mean I can be either social or reclusive, but being in control for myself particularly in the withdrawal stage is so important. With this darn depression then having that personal control is not possible. So, LBD, surgery recovery and now depression is a toxic mix. It means I am in a dark place in my mind, and I know it is getting worse as time rolls on. I am not in a good spot mentally.

Now, I can choose to fight back, or I can allow this depression to become the norm and drag me down. Having faced this very challenge in the past thankfully does give me some tools to fight off this Black Dog. I know what can happen when it takes over and by understanding that I cannot allow myself to go to that dark, lonely spot again then I am hoping I am equipped in some way to win this battle.

Battling clinical depression is not simply mind over matter. It is not about having a bad day or feeling sad. No, this is a crap spot to be in, there is no simple solution, no simple 'fix it type formular' and certainly no medication that can just go pow, and this is fixed.

The battle is personal, very personal, and I know for me, I have some tough yards ahead. I know from the past that battling depression is very exhausting.

So, looking to find some positives in life is one area I can try in this depression battle. Ruth and I have had a few road trips recently, they help. It does get me out of that comfort zone that comes with being reclusive. We have a horse running at Bordertown next Friday and another horse lining-up at Moonee Valley that same night. Which trip we take is not yet decided but we will work that out as this week unfolds.

During the week the Broken Hill Greyhound Club contacted me about heading up their way to call two greyhound meetings next month. They are racing on the Sunday night of St Patrick's weekend and again on Easter Sunday night.

Both are TAB meetings. I have been to Broken Hill to call the dogs before, that was in May last year, so I am blessed to think they have invited me back. The regular track caller is unavailable for these two meetings, so I guess I am the next best choice. The impact that heading up the highway to the Silver City to call the meetings is not lost on me.

Can I manage, hey, I am 69 and not the spring chicken I was back in my greyhound calling days but I'm up for it. With my health problems and this depression threatening to boil over then I am really not in the best spot personally. But this is a great honour to be asked, it is the stuff of dreams and maybe, just maybe this greyhound calling gig could help me turn the tide on my darn head issues with depression. Watch this space.

Ruth and I will house sit during April so that is also a plus in many ways. Something different anyhow. The family we will house sit for have a little bit of land and run some sheep, so I reckon JonnyG Sheep Baron sits well. Not sure how many head they run but it will be a challenge. They also have chooks meaning I will be in my element, I love the fun of taking care of chooks, ah, so good. And they keep Bees, so it sounds like roast lamb, chicken and honey on tap. And apparently there is a pantry full of plum jam!

And once we clear that commitment our plan is to finally get to travel. Not sure how long we spend on the road, guess the health issues will help determine that but we are both so looking forward to this adventure. We will start at Camp Green in Ararat and hopefully spend a few weeks on the shore of Green Hill Lake, after that who knows, we have some thoughts but will let that all play out as the year unfolds.

So, yeah, some good plans going forward, I hope and trust that having some form of positive approach to the next few months gives me the impetus to bounce back and fight off this Black Dog. I am in for the fight, what the outcome will be I have no idea but hopefully using my life experiences, some strategies that have worked in the past and trying to stay one step ahead of the depression will mean I have a good chance.

The LBD will play out at a pace that really, I cannot control. The pain, I just have to hope that in time my body repairs itself and the pain subsides. Depression, yeah, that is an unknown.

I must add here, my post today is not a cry for help, it is written as therapy by me for me to show what is happening in my health journey. Look, I am struggling, that is a given but I am not in a position where intrusive thoughts are about to take hold. I am lucky in that thought.

But if you ever come across anyone who is battling depression, please give them your undivided attention, listen to them, never judge them, never dismiss them, just be supportive and hang-out with that person even in silence if that fits the mood. As said, just never ever dismiss someone who reaches out or someone you know who is doing it tough in their mind.

Ok, that's my post done. Ruth helped me add a link (to the Cloud) at the bottom of the post so maybe scroll down and check-out what that is about. If you have read this far then I thank-you, that was another long read and probably heavy. I understand that this blog is not for everyone but, to those who checks in on my JonnyG Remembers blog, thanks to you all. Over 22,500 hits at the time of writing.

And, despite this post being sort of dramatic and probably somewhat depressing, I will leave you as I always do with a JonnyG thought ...

If you're depressed and struggling to have a purpose, try drinking a really big glass of water before you go to bed at night ... because seriously, it will give you a reason to get up in the morning ...

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I have always had a love of writing and even in my dark days with depression I was able to find some comfort in the words I penned. I wrote many stories about my battles with depression and was fortunate enough to have a few select articles published and others were even used as a training guide paper for mental health nursing staff in South Australia.

Some were a touch dark, but they were always written from the heart and for me gave a real understanding of what was going on at that time with my life. I wrote about the personal experience with mental health.

The link below is for a short story I wrote all those years ago and one I had published in a national magazine called Parity. At that time the magazine was used as a learning tool by workers in the homeless mental health sector

That Depresses Me.docx

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And remembering my very good Darwin mate Philip Jackson who has sadly passed away, he was simply a decent bloke ... gone Phil, but you are remembered ...